weaving silk

it keeps upsetting me

people keep bringing up dan in front of me and it just causes me to well up with rage. do you not know what he did? the things he said to me? the way he treated me?

well let’s have a quick review. I had the most intense sex of my life with him, and then approximately a week later, he met me at bagel beanery, sat down, didn’t even bother to order food, told me that if he really cared about someone he would feel responsible for them and was just using me for support, left before I touched my food because he “had to go study”, and told me casually to let him know if i needed anything.

he suggested we take a sexcation. he objectified me more than i’ve ever been objectified by anyone, to the extent that i don’t ever want to be touched by a man again. This is a man I loathe and fear so deeply, who hurt me so much, that when I think he is approaching on my walk to or from school, I literally cross the street (a difficult task with all the white guys here in GR)

so you could understand why getting a glimpse of him or hearing his name are singlehandedly the most upsetting things that could happen, now that he isn’t around to break my heart directly. its a surprisingly close second, though.

so how dare you fucking bring him up? he’s dead to me. i wish everyone else would play along on that.

edit: truly, i have too many daddy issues to play this game at all. can we just? Seriously though can i just retire this shit and get a cat? I’m only ever goig to be happy alone and the quicker i accept that the better for everyon involved.

im doing kind of well!

looking for apartments, confronting reality, went out to celebrate a bachelorette party.

Understand good and great men are not going to settle for an average or poor woman.  Sure, we might date you, sure there’s always the hey hey hey in the hay, but marriage?  Commitment?  Sorry, that requires adult maturity, responsibility, reliability, and truthfully the vast majority of women don’t have that.  This gives that minority of women who DO have the combination of reliability AND attractiveness a HUGE advantage over their pretty, but flaky counterpart.

The girl who shows up reliably at the agreed-upon time is one step closer to capturing a guy long term.

The girl who makes dinner and doesn’t spew some kind of feminist doctrine is one step closer to capturing a guy long term.

The girl who supports herself, pays her rent, and manages a positive net worth with no subsidy from daddy or the state is one step closer to capturing a guy long term.

And though anecdotal, my girlfriend, though not a 10, snatched me from the clutches of

• a GM car model
• a top notch salsa queen
• a scorching hot (and equally promiscuous) Minnesota blond
• and other various 9’s and 10’s

because the woman showed up on time, did what she said she was going to do, made me lasagna without me asking, and promptly obeyed when I told her to get dolled up in lingerie.

And thus, the 20% of reliable and pretty early bird women who display

responsibility
reliability
adult behavior
professionalism
and a HINT of selflessness

get 80% of the proverbial worm.

However, there is a flaw in this analogy as only ONE reliable and pretty woman can take out only ONE man on the marriage market.  THus it isn’t so much an 80/20 rule as much as it is a pecking order.  A solid 7 or 8 who is on time and doesn’t play games will find a quality man loooong before her drama queen entitled 9 or 10 does.  A solid 6 or 7 who doesn’t flake on a date at the last minute will get a husband long before her mind-game playing 8 or 9 counterpart does.  And while these savvy and reliable women pick the best away from the 3rd and 2nd quintile of men, after a decade of pursuing the top 20% of men (but never getting one) the 80% of women now have to choose from the bottom 40%.

Ah, equilibrium.  What a wonderful natural concept.

Of course there’s howls and whinings about “where have all the good men gone” and “why can’t I find a maaaaaannnnn!?” but I, and most other guys, don’t care.  Reliable, responsible and attractive women have already sniped us out of the market and now you can have whatever remains.  Just remember the time you shot down the guys who wanted to salsa dance.

thank you to the following people:

Dan- for refusing to date me and inspiring me to turn myself into BATOOL. White lace undies, white bra, religious bracelet, silky smooth skin and not a hair or bump on my body. And nobody gets to even touch it, which makes it even hotter. And I am going to pull in the highest caliber guy with that prude gold precious stock strategy, so there.

The administration- for nagging me so fucking much that I am going to hire fancyhands to take care of any and all course evals going forward.

My roommate- for being a man attention whore and showing me a) how disgusting that is and b) how to play the game. Meaning always look hot, just don’t show how hard you are trying for the whole thing.

Jen and Lawrence- for honestly leaving me our so often. You two may be more doggedly determined and your shitty snarkiness will only make me work harder. However, you will never be able to mimic my intensity to integrate everything, to make it relevant, friendly and practical to my brain. You two will be low yield bitches for life, while I will gain so much discipline from knowing you. Joke’s on you, uglies.

I’m going to get that red journal and write what I need to do in it. I am going to tend myself with so much love and care and detail. I am worth it and no one else is worth shit.

So I’m going to hole up in my cube, but only for some parts of the day. my to do list will be a little red notebook labeled in white : batool. and I will finish everything I write down in it.I owe it to myself.

This One Is Mine

Someone put

You on a slave block

And the unreal bought

You.

Now I keep coming to your owner

Saying,

“This one is mine.”

You often overhear us talking

And this can make your heart leap

With excitement.

Don’t worry.

I will not let sadness

Possess you.

I will gladly borrow all the gold

I need

To get you

Back.

just

when did I become so unhappy?

i think…when i stopped just LIVING.

so let’s make a post about poisoning

i have to learn about poisoning, and how to reverse it, for my pharm test. i also just got dumped. So fuck you, D. And I’m going to make up a story where you eat too many mushrooms and then enter the emergency room.

let’s say that Dan has nerve gas or pesticide poisoning. poor baby- well we are going to give him atropine, pralidoxime if he is lucky, and a reversible AchEi.

let’s say he eats too many mushrooms. We give him parenteral atropine

he has atropine poisoning now, because i like to mess with him the way he does with me. so then i administer physostygmine, we can resolve his antimuscarinic syndrome- mad as a whatever etc etc.

say he was given a non-depolarizing neuromuscular blocker like i dunno curare. Well we give him neostigmine to overcome it.

what will happen to dan next? Well we gave him too much neostigmine so it looks like he is currently having uncomfy diarrhea,peeing a lot, sweating a shit ton and CRYING and unable to see properly because of cyclospasm permanently.oh and he can’t breathe, bconstrixn.

progress :)

first paper: published (although that’s not a recent accomplishment by any means)

tennis tournament: all systems go. found a top to wear with my weird nike skirt thingy and white visor

bought a necklace which is in the shape of a key. from now on i am going to make my hair, skin, body, self the most precious and untouchable thing. I ill not give anyone access unless they earn it. My mind and body are holy and I strive to keep them that way.

Pitt: I meet up with Tash and Naz in a white t-shirt, tight, ripped acid wash jeans, and lacy red shoes. I’m carrying a small purse with me, hanging off the belt loop of my jeans. I have on sunblock, I have contoured my face, and some very subtle makeup. I have done my hair in a rolly bun the night before and am wearing my hand of fatima bracelet and feminine earrings. My body is completely hairless and there is not much fat on it either. I am carrying a DSLR camera and taking pictures of something, and Tash gets a shot of me as well. I’m thin, I have long ass hair and in short, I’m gorgeous. Tash is jealous. We go to an outdoor venue for drinks; I decide I don’t want any today. I get hit on by the waiter and at least three other guys.Tash gets even more jealous. I give someone my number. We get home and she takes about ten minutes before blowing up at me.

love

bit me back harder than i anticipated

in front of your closest friends

sacrifices i was ready to make for you

but something pulled me back down to earth, thank god and also, not thank god

still, the connection we had last time we fucked

but fuck is just a word isnt it?

what was it to you exactly?

have fun with all your feelings in the grave